


Feeling Like A Failure

by hannahfanficrobron



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Choices, Disappointment, Father-Son Relationship, M/M, affair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-14 20:57:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8028670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahfanficrobron/pseuds/hannahfanficrobron
Summary: An alternative "what if" Jack was alive when Robert's affair with Aaron came out, and how would Jack take it? How would Robert feel when he failed to measure up to Jack's expectations yet again? Multi chapter fic, based on a tumblr prompt.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For this story, Jack is still alive, Chas and Diane still own the pub together, but Diane and Jack are living elsewhere in the village. Everyhing else up until now is as canon. Hope it all becomes clear as we go along! Also a warning for homophobia here.

“You’ve been having an affair with a man!” Chrissie shouted. The entire pubs attention shifted to Robert, except Aaron who was looking at the floor uncomfortably.

“Look, can we do this somewhere else?” Robert said, feeling very aware that Jack was propping up the other end of the bar, his eyes narrowing dangerously.

“Why?” Chrissie said, clearly vindictive and hurt. “Don’t want everyone to know? You should have thought about that before you left my bed for him!” Chrissie pointed at Aaron, who was still looking down. Robert just shook his head, going through to the back of the pub, leaving everyone staring at Aaron as Chrissie walked out, feeling pleased that she‘d caused the maximum damage as publicly as possible.

“She’s got the wrong end of the stick, right?” Adam said to his best mate. “How long?” he asked, seeing the guilty look on Aaron’s face. Adam could barely believe it. Robert Sugden?

“A while,” Aaron said, finishing his pint. “I should go.” No one stopped him as he left the pub, everyone's eyes watching him go, almost in slow motion. Jack and Diane moved through to the back of the pub, Chas not even attempting to stop them once Aaron had disappeared from sight.

Robert sat on the sofa in the back of the pub, his head in his hands. He wished dearly that had happened somewhere else, anywhere that his father wouldn’t be listening. In his life, he’d constantly been disappointing Jack Sugden, and he was sure that a long running affair with a man would just be the cherry on top of his failures. Being with a man wasn’t anything to be ashamed of, but he knew that his father wouldn’t see it that way. Plus the affair wasn’t morally right, even if he could explain away the fact it was Aaron he’d been sleeping with.

“What is your wife talking about?” Jack said as he came through to the back room, Diane close behind him.

“That didn’t take long,” Robert said, almost curling into himself. He’d do almost anything to avoid the conversation that he knew was coming. Or more likely a shouting match if he knew anything about his father.

“She’s got this all wrong, hasn’t she?” Jack said. “My son would not be carrying on like that with a man.”

“Oh, that’s right,” Robert said bitterly. “Make it all about you, why don’t you?”

“Robert!” Jack shouted. “How could you… do _that_?! For God‘s sake, that‘s not the son I raised.”

“Ever think this has nothing to do with you?” Robert said. He didn’t like being demeaned, and he was already struggling privately with how deeply he felt for Aaron in the first place. Jack shouting wasn’t helping him.

“How long?” Diane asked, trying to calm the situation down.

“Er… seven months. On and off,” Robert admitted honestly.

“But you were married in February,” Diane said. “So… oh. They overlapped. Great.”

“It was a mistake,” Robert said. “Aaron was a mistake.”

“What? A mistake you kept going back to? You’re not gay!” Jack shouted.

“Oh, does it bother you?” Robert said, standing up because he’d been pushed and Robert never gave in that easily. “The fact that I was having hot, sweaty, intense sex with a man, that’s a problem for you, is it?” Jack just looked at him then walked out, leaving Robert alone with his stepmother.

“Robert, do you have to wind him up?” Diane said, exasperated.

“Does he have to make me feel so small all the time?” Robert countered. “Yeah, I’ve messed up big time. Him shouting isn’t helping.”

“That’s…. you’ve got a point,” Diane said heavily. “But you cheated on your wife, Robert. Forget the fact Aaron’s a man, you still cheated. Why?”

“I couldn’t stay away from him,” Robert said quietly, one of the most honest things he’d said in ages. “Diane, I tried. I couldn’t.”

“Oh, pet,” she said sadly. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, the fact you wanted a man.”

“Look, I don’t want to talk about it,” Robert said. “I want Chrissie.”

“But you cheated on her,” Diane said blankly.

“Is she still out the front?” he asked.

“No,” Diane said. “She left quite quickly.”

Robert sighed. “I have to get her back, Diane. This thing with Aaron is a big, big mistake, I just need to forget it. Forget him and get my wife back.”

“That answers that question then.” They both looked at the door, seeing Aaron there who‘d clearly heard that, looking hurt and making Robert’s heart ache in a way he wasn’t ready to face yet. “Robert, you’re gay. Getting rid of me won’t get rid of the problem.” Diane looked like she agreed with him, but Robert wasn’t having it.

“I am not gay,” he said bluntly, feeling incredibly frustrated that no one in the room believed him.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said I wouldn't post a chapter today (I'm incredibly busy today!) but I just couldn't resist. Thank you for all your lovely comments on Ch 1, I hope this doesn't disappoint! x

“Get out,” Chrissie almost spat at him.

“You’ve not changed the locks yet,” Robert said conversationally, looking at her from across Home Farm’s kitchen. “Thought you’d have a lock smith here already.”

“Clearly an oversight,” Chrissie said. “I didn’t think you’d dare show your face here.”

“You’re my wife,” Robert said calmly. “I’m not ready to give up on us.”

“You’ve been sleeping with a man,” Chrissie said. “I think that’s us over, don’t you?”

“Tell me, is it the affair that bothers you? Or the fact Aaron is a man?” Robert asked, rattled.

“Both!” she said. “It clearly can’t work with me if you’re…” Chrissie couldn’t go on, too upset and hurt.

“I’m not gay,” Robert said, making Chrissie huff at him. “I am bisexual. Was long before you met me, this has nothing to do with us.”

“Robert, if you wanted there to be an “us” you wouldn’t have slept with anyone else. For God’s sake, it started before you even married me! Why did you go through with it? Just for the pay off?”

“No, of course not,” Robert said. “Chrissie I love you, of course I do. I don’t want to lose you!”

“Should have thought about that first,” she said, tugging at her wedding ring and placing it on the kitchen counter top. “I don’t care, Robert. I don’t care if you’re straight, gay or bi, it is no longer any of my business. Give me your keys and get out. We’re over.”

“Chrissie…”

“Get out,” she repeated. Robert sighed, but he knew enough to know when he was beaten. He did leave, but he wasn’t giving up. He’d try again when she’d had the chance to calm down.

Later that day, Robert lay on his bed at the B and B, staring at the ceiling as the light slowly faded. That was a day he was glad to have got through, but he never thought he’d be here. Having lost both Chrissie and Aaron, staring at the walls of a rented room. Bloody brilliant.

* * *

 

“How did you sleep?” Chas asked as her son came behind the bar, helping himself to a pint.

“Oh, brilliantly,” Aaron said sarcastically. “My life’s just imploded in the last twenty four hours and I’ve no one to blame but myself.”

“Robert’s not worth it,” Chas said quietly, aware of eavesdroppers in the pub.

“I know,” Aaron said unconvincingly, focusing on his drink. His pint glass was full when Jack and Diane came in.

“Er… Aaron…” Chas said pointedly. Aaron had been planning to take his drink in the back room, not wanting the village gossip being so in his face. But now the reckless part of him wanted to sit in the pub, see what Jack had to say. He was clearly full of something, which would be comical if Aaron wasn’t so worried.

“You need to stay away from my son,” Jack said firmly.

“Yeah, don’t worry about that, mate,” Aaron said quickly. “I’m not going anywhere near him.”

“We know Chrissie kicked him out,” Diane interjected. “He didn’t come to us so…”

“I’m not a charity case,” Aaron said. “I wouldn’t let him in the house with the way I’m feeling right now. I’d try the B and B,” he added before grabbing a packet of crisps and taking his pint through to the back room.

“You better not be blaming Aaron for all this,” Chas said to both Jack and Diane. Diane looked well and truly caught in the middle, unhappy with getting grief from all sides.

“Have you seen Robert today?” Jack asked, calming down a little.

“I think he’s been in hiding,” Chas said. “Definitely not here last night.”

“Thanks,” Jack said, turning and leaving the pub. Diane looked at her and shook her head.

“How is Aaron?”

“Upset,” Chas said honestly. “I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but Aaron is… desperately in love with him.”

“Robert won’t leave Chrissie for him,” Diane warned.

“Oh, Diane, I’ve been telling him that for months. It doesn’t make any difference!” Chas said. “I don’t know what it is between them, but they keep coming back to each other.”

“How long have you known?” Diane asked.

“It was after Robert got married,” Chas said, answering the real question. “I’d have told Chrissie myself if it was before, but when Robert married her… I didn’t know what to do. I tried to keep them apart but _apparently_ …” she said the word like she doubted it… “they’re both grown men.”

“Wish they’d act like it though,” Diane teased. Chas let out a brief smile that Diane wasn’t too upset. “I better go. Stop the bloodshed.”

“Is Jack really that annoyed?” Chas asked. “It’s not the end of the world.”

“You know Jack,” Diane said. “He’s old fashioned. He’ll get over it or I’ll knock some sense into him.”

“Mm,” Chas said as Diane left. To her, old fashioned seemed a lot like a euphemism for bigot.

* * *

 

Robert sat out the back of the B and B, enjoying the rare sunshine on his face as he tried to plan his next move. He had known from the first time he’d ever kissed a man that his father wouldn’t be happy with it. He’d consider it… something no son of his should ever do. Perfect Andy wouldn’t deign to sleep with a man after all. But in the end it didn’t matter. It seemed that no matter what he did, Robert could never measure up. Even coming back to the village with a pretty rich successful fiance, then his wife wasn’t enough. Because Robert had no interest in farming the land, inheriting his birth right. He was more than happy to give all that work load to Andy, farming wasn’t for him. Footsteps pulled Robert from his thoughts, blinking up into the shadow of his father.

“Dad, I don’t…”

“I didn’t come here to shout,” Jack said, sitting opposite Robert. “Try and help me understand.”

“Understand what?” Robert said quietly. He didn’t want to fight either. He’d been fighting with Jack and Andy for most of his life and it was exhausting.

“Why did you cheat?” Jack said. “Why do you always go for people you can’t have?” He couldn’t keep the criticism out of his voice and Robert heard it, feeling small and pathetic. How could his own father be disappointed in him for this? In Robert’s mind, he’d done far worse than falling in love with a man.

“Because I could,” Robert said honestly. “You’re wrong, he wasn’t someone I couldn’t have. And… I don’t know. Maybe moving back here where there’s all these memories, most of them bad, maybe I wanted someone who’d make me feel good for once.” He could see Jack looking uncomfortable and he got almost a sick thrill out of it. He was an adult, he didn’t need his fathers approval, not any more. “What is your problem? You’ve never had an issue with Aaron.”

“Aaron’s not my son. If he wants to be gay, that’s his choice.”

“Actually I don’t think that’s how it works,” Robert said, frowning at his father. “If it was, no one would choose to be vilified by small minded people like you.”

“I’m not…” Jack sighed heavily. “Robert, I’m trying.”

“Not good enough,” he said harshly, not giving Jack any wriggle room. “By the way, I’m not gay, which I know is what everyone’s saying.” Jack didn’t argue. They both knew this village and how the gossips worked. “Is there anything wrong with being bisexual? Wait a minute, who am I talking to,” Robert said to himself. “Of course there is. At least with you.”

“Robert, give me some credit,” Jack said exasperated. “You slept with every woman you could when you were a teenager. I never expected this from you.”

“No,” Robert said. “I hadn’t either.” That was certainly true. “What if it was perfect little Andy?” Robert said.

“It wouldn’t be,” Jack said with such swiftness that Robert felt his heart sink.

“Go away,” Robert said quietly. “Let me deal with the wreckage of my marriage in peace.” Jack didn’t argue, turning and leaving. Robert was ashamed to admit it, but he felt the tears welling. He would never be good enough for Jack, it didn’t matter what happened, Jack would always find some reason to put him second best.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to stick to canon as much as possible, simply with the alteration that Jack is alive in this. So I'm going to skip around with time a bit as we go on! It should be clear as I get to those bits. Thank you for your wonderful comments and I hope I don't disappoint! x

“Don’t give me that, I need to talk to him,” Robert said firmly. Chas didn’t look happy, but she said nothing, simply stepping aside so Robert could get around her behind the bar, going through to the backroom.

“What do you want?” Aaron said darkly from the kitchen table, halfway through his lunch.

“To talk.”

“I’ve got nothing to say to you.”

“Why did you tell her?” Robert asked bitterly. “Why did you have to ruin it all? We agreed…”

“Oh, come off it, Robert,” Aaron said exasperated. “We’re so far past that it’s laughable. You’re only here in the first place because Chrissie didn’t fall for your rubbish. Had she taken you back, I wouldn’t ever see you again.”

“I wouldn’t say never,” Robert countered. “We live in a small village.”

“Robert, I don’t want to talk to you,” Aaron said tiredly. “I’m not being your excuse any more. Do whatever you want, I don’t care. You’re nothing to me.”

“You don’t mean that,” Robert said quietly. “I know you don’t. I know you better than anyone.”  
Aaron didn’t want to argue that, felt like he couldn’t really. Robert knew him, he’d managed to get under Aaron’s skin without even trying. Aaron hated the hold Robert had over him.

“Don’t let daddy hear you saying things like that,” Aaron said, wanting to hurt Robert. He would never understand the relationship between Jack and Robert, and he wasn’t going to start trying now.

“It’s complicated,” Robert said. “And stop changing the subject.”

“You’re just upset because no one wants you,” Aaron said. “Get out.”

“Aaron… please.”

“Robert, leave,” Aaron said firmly. “I should never have got involved with you in the first place, I knew you were a mistake. Get out.” Robert didn’t do begging for anything, so he took Aaron at his word. He’d now been left with nothing and he couldn’t reasonably blame anyone but himself.

* * *

 

Two days later, just about when Aaron felt like he couldn’t feel any lower, fate proved him wrong. He needed fresh air, away from the stares and whispers in the pub, unable to take it. Yes, Aaron had made a mistake, he’d fallen in love with the wrong person, but that was all. So, as Adam seemed to have vanished off the face of the earth, he went for a walk through the quiet village, enjoying the peace. Which was when he saw Robert, clearly in complete denial about everything, pulling a leggy blonde into the B and B. Aaron felt his skin crawl as he looked at the pair of them, unable to tear his eyes away from them, Robert kissing this strange woman. Every part of Aaron was screaming that this was wrong, and he couldn’t help how much it hurt, the sight of Robert with someone else. God, you’d have thought he’d have got used to it by now, after all, it’s not like he never knew Chrissie existed. 

Robert detached himself from the unknown blonde, presumably to unlock the door when he caught Aaron’s eyes from across the street. He froze, just for a second but it felt like much longer to Aaron. Then Robert shrugged, returning his attention to the blonde girl, who was clearly tonight’s distraction. 

Aaron stood staring at the closed door for a long time. Why was he even surprised? If Robert didn’t consider his marriage vows reason enough not to cheat, surely Aaron had even less of a hold on him? But it hurt. That was the problem with loving Robert. When he was with him, it was good, it could be so damn good that Aaron couldn’t believe this gorgeous man ever wanted him. But it always faded away too quickly, leaving Aaron in a mess. With Robert, it all eventually hurt.

* * *

 

**October 2015**

Aaron had his hands on Robert’s chest, feeling the warm blood almost pour out of him. He’d heard the shot and rushed to see what was going on. Chas was spluttering in shock and it was all Aaron could do to try and stop Robert from bleeding to death right in front of him.  
 _He deserves it,_ a voice somewhere deep inside him said. _You love him. I don’t love him, he’s poison. But you do. Shut up._ His internal conversation was drowned out by the immediate problem. Robert needed an ambulance, now.

Aaron found himself at the hospital, waiting for news on Robert, with Victoria who was very upset. Besides scrubbing Robert’s blood off his hands, he hadn’t done anything else, just pacing with Victoria, waiting for news.

“Where is he?!” Diane said, as she rushed into the waiting room with Jack.

“Still in surgery,” Vic said, her voice carrying tears.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Jack almost snarled at Aaron. “He doesn’t need you here.”

“You know, you’re right,” Aaron said. “I shouldn’t be here. Waste of time.” There was a scuffle and before Aaron knew what was happening, Jack had him up against the wall.

“Acknowledged I exist then?” Aaron said quickly. “Good, I was beginning to think I was a hologram.”

“You did this,” Jack said. “He wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.”

“I had nothing to do with this,” Aaron said, pushing Jack’s hands off of him.

“Oh, everyone knows you hate him!” Jack said.

“Why?” Aaron said. “Because he’s incapable of being honest with himself?”

“Aaron…” Vic said quietly. “Don’t, please.”

“If you’re looking for suspects for who shot Robert, get the phone book,” Aaron said. “Everyone in the village could have shot him! Including your other perfect son. Everyone knows they hate each other. Where is Andy by the way?” All of the Sugdens were silent.

“Great. Text me when he’s awake,” Aaron said to Vic, knowing she would. She knew that despite the bluster both he and Robert sometimes gave, she knew how much they still cared for each other. And Aaron still did, in spite of everything Robert had spat at him in anger the other day. He couldn’t stop caring for Robert, though he badly wanted to.


	4. Chapter 4

Vic had text him that Robert was out of surgery, but unconscious and they had no idea when (or even if) he’d wake up. She also added that Diane, Jack and herself had gone home to get some sleep. Aaron wasn’t stupid, he could read between the lines. What Vic was really telling him was “ _if you want some alone time with Robert, now’s your chance._ ” Aaron lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering if he should go and see him. He shouldn’t. He didn’t want to, but even unconscious Robert had this incredible pull over him, and Aaron hated that. Knowing he would go eventually, Aaron decided to just get it over with.

He found Robert lying on the hospital bed, looking small and damaged. It made Aaron pause for a moment because Robert never looked small. Always so confident and sure of himself in that damn annoying Sugden way. Now he was here, Aaron had no idea what to say to the unconscious man in front of him.

“So, I think Vic wants us to get back together,” Aaron started. “She’s not really subtle, that sister of yours. But I need to hate you, I need to let you go.” Aaron felt the indescribable need to talk to him. Maybe it was because he knew Robert couldn’t hear him, right now Robert would be incapable of throwing anything Aaron said back in his face at a point further on in their lives.

“I think everyone was expecting me to just… get back with you, when Chrissie chucked you out. But I wasn’t. I never expected you to consider me as an option. I wanted you to leave her because it was your choice. When I told her about us… it was me admitting that you were never going to. That she would always come first and you'd never choose me. I couldn’t do it any more, keep letting you back in just so you could hurt me again and again. Robert, I want to hate you. I’d give anything to hate you, you hurt anyone who goes near you. I’d love for you to let me go. We both know you’re not going to die because of this, you’re too bloody stubborn. Doctors aren’t so sure though. When you wake up, please, leave me alone. I do love you, God I do but… I don’t want to. I want to forget about you.” Aaron shook his head, he shouldn’t have come here. It was a mistake. He left Robert alone, he had no intention of coming back to see him.

* * *

 

Two days later the police inquiries were beginning to really grate on Aaron. He knew he had a little niggle of worry at the back of his mind that Robert still hadn’t woken up, but he tried to push that away. He had to remind himself that Robert wasn’t his to care about. Every time he saw Vic around the village, her face was usually enough to give an update on Robert’s condition. No change. 

In the pub, Aaron was on his second pint of the day when two police officers came in, unfortunately heading straight towards him.

“Mr Livesy, we’d like a word.”

“I’m sure you would,” Aaron said sarcastically, earning a glare from his mother behind the bar as he took another sip of his pint.

“We’d like you to come down to the station,” the detective said. “Answer a few questions.” Aaron looked at them, debating what to do, quickly. He could go to the station willingly, or wait for them to come back and arrest him. With his suspended sentence that seemed to be the more dangerous of the options.

“All right,” Aaron said reluctantly, taking another deep drink of his pint and getting up, ignoring the worry on Chas’s face as he walked towards the door.

“It was you, wasn’t it?” Jack hissed as Aaron passed him. “Of course it was you, you hate Robert for not leaving his wife for you.” Jack managed to make it sound insane that Aaron would ever have considered that a possibility, just with his tone of voice.

“Or maybe it was you,” Aaron countered. “Oh, we can’t have Robert sleeping with men, can we? What a disgrace to the family name that would be. And the son of a farmer, god forbid.” Aaron was beyond angry. He had accepted himself a long time ago and it made him fume that Jack was now making him feel tainted or dirty, especially in front of half the village. He didn’t deserve that for falling in love with Robert. Maybe, for sleeping with someone else’s husband, that was hardly a shining moment for him. But he was never going to feel ashamed for how he felt for another man. Even though sometimes he wanted to throttle Robert, he did love him. Though Robert was still lying unconscious, that didn’t change anything at all. “What did you think?” Aaron pressed. “Shoot him before he goes off with some other guy and embarrass you even more?” Jack wanted to hit him, Aaron could see the impulse on his face, but there were too many people around. And Jack wasn’t stupid, doing that in front of police officers either.

“Mr Livesy…” the police said. Aaron followed them, leaving the pub. Chas turned to Cain.

“I can’t leave here, I’m on my own,” Chas said. “Diane’s at the hospital. Can you go to the police station for Aaron? Pick him up when they‘re finished with him?”

Cain didn’t look happy, wasting his afternoon like that, but could see the pleading on his sisters face. So he nodded, grabbed his car keys and left, leaving Chas worried and Jack quietly seething at the end of the bar.

* * *

 

“Oh no,” Chas said quietly as Cain came back into the pub that evening. Alone. “What happened?”

“He’s been charged.”

“With what?!” Chas said desperately. “You know he didn’t do it!”

“They’ve got him on tape hiding the gun,” Cain said quietly. “He can’t talk his way out of it.”

Chas closed her eyes with a sigh. “I need to see him,” she said desperately. “He’s on remand?” Cain nodded quickly, both of them seeing Jack get up from his pub stool. They’d momentarily forgotten he was even there.

“I knew it was him,” Jack said bitterly. “My son should never have got mixed up with him.”

“Let me tell you something about Robert!” Chas started, coming out from behind the bar.

“Calm down, sis,” Cain said lightly, holding her back.

“My son is on life support,” Jack spat at her. “He’s probably not going to survive this, he’ll never get out of hospital! And your son put him there!”

“He couldn’t shoot Robert,” Chas said, scowling at Jack. “Aaron’s in love with him!” Jack just spluttered, completely ignoring this. “And you sitting here drinking yourself into a stupor because you can’t deal with how badly you’ve failed your child isn’t helping anyone. Well, I’m not giving up on mine! Come on, Cain.” Both siblings left the pub, leaving Diane behind the bar.

When in the fresh air, she took in several deep breaths. “This is so bad, isn’t it?” she said.

“Yeah,” Cain agreed.

“He’s not getting out of prison, is he?”

“He will,” Cain said, but she knew he was saying what she wanted to hear. “He didn’t shoot Sugden, did he?” Cain asked.

“No,” Chas said. “As much as I would love for Aaron to hate him, he doesn’t. We both know he’d take Robert back the second Robert asked.”

“We’ve just got to hope Sugden comes round then,” Cain said. “Tells the police who really shot him.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your comments, I'm so happy people are still enjoying this alternative take! Hope this chapter lives up to standards. It takes place a couple of weeks after the last one. Enjoy!

“Robert, look at me.” Victoria. He tried opening his eyes but it hurt. It felt like such a massive effort.

“No, he always does everything in his own time,” Jack’s usual disdain filled voice said. “He’ll open his eyes when he’s ready.”

“The doctors said…”

“…m here…” Robert tried. His voice felt sore and sounded croaky. How long had he been out? The pain in his chest felt intense. He could remember the crack through the night air, the echo of it. He remembered the feeling of the bullet tearing through his body before he collapsed, losing consciousness. He opened his eyes, seeing Diane, Vic and his dad all there. Andy was conspicuous by his absence.

“What… what happened?” Robert asked. “How long’ve I been out?”

“Two weeks,” Vic said. “But you’re here now. Do you remember anything?”

“I remember being shot,” Robert said bluntly. “Who did it?”

“Erm…” Vic started, tailing off, looking at Jack and Diane uncomfortably.

“Aaron’s been arrested,” Jack said with as much tact as a sledgehammer.

“What?” Robert said frowning. “No.”

“Oh, wake up, Robert,” Jack said impatiently. “They’ve got him on camera hiding the gun you were shot with. Innocent people don’t do that.”

“Okay, now lets not get worked up,” Diane said, seeing Robert getting stressed.

“Aaron didn’t shoot me,” Robert said, unsure where his complete conviction came from.

“Did you see something?” Victoria asked hopefully.

“Aaron wouldn’t,” Robert said. “He isn’t capable of it.”

“He’s a thug,” Jack said. “Stop being so bloody stubborn. Oh… I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.” Jack got up and left. Robert felt the pain in his chest too much to care right now. Aaron couldn’t have tried to kill him, Aaron didn’t hate him that much. Surely not. Mind you, it wasn’t like there was a short list of suspects.

“No one thought my ex wife might be guilty?” Robert asked. “She seems to have a vindictive streak.” No one answered him, and they were interrupted by two detectives who were clearly waiting for Robert to wake up and talk to him.

“Ah, Mr Sugden. Glad to see you awake. We’ve got some questions to ask you.”

* * *

  
Ten days later, Robert was allowed to go home. His chest was still in quite a bit of pain, but he desperately needed to get out of hospital, to go home. He was (unfortunately) staying with Jack and Diane. He really didn’t want to get in Vic and Adam’s way, Adam at the very least resenting Robert for the way he’d treated Aaron, and he realised that he’d got to the ripe old age of thirty without any place to call his own. So with his father and his step mother it was.  
For the first twenty four hours when he was home, he simply slept. The gunshot wound and the resulting surgery had taken more out of him than he’d like to admit. Never mind the ramifications that someone had actually hated him enough to try and kill him. The next day, he managed to have a shower, actually feeling clean for the first time in what seemed to be a month. He dressed and managed to get into the kitchen where, surprisingly both Jack and Aaron stood at opposite sides of the room.

“I was just coming to get you,” Jack said heavily. “He wants a word,” he added, nodding at Aaron.

“I’m “he” now, am I?” Aaron said, clearly irritated. Aaron looked much wilder than normal, clearly a spell in prison hadn’t softened his temper. Part of the dangerous energy rolling off him was most definitely attractive to Robert, even though he was too weak to do anything about it. Jack said nothing, leaving the two men alone. Robert felt very conscious of the fact he was still damp from his shower, and could almost feel the droplets of water sliding down from his wet hair, under the neck of his T shirt. This was heightened by the fact Aaron’s gaze was on his neck, clearly enjoying the show. Robert cleared his throat, feeling a little uncomfortable at Aaron’s attention. They weren’t together, he shouldn’t be looking at him like that, and Robert recognised those lust filled eyes.

“Aaron?”

“Right,” he said quietly shaking himself out of his stupor. Robert held back his smirk with difficulty. He might have just come out of a coma, but he wasn’t blind.

“What do you want?” Robert asked, sitting down. Even standing took his energy at the moment. His words had come out harsher than he intended, making Aaron frown.

“Come on, you must know that coming here wasn’t easy,” Aaron said, nodding to the door that Jack had just left through. “Considering he thinks I polluted his son,” he added with a roll of the eyes.

“None of this was your fault,” Robert said quietly.

“I know,” Aaron replied. “Good for you to finally admit it though.” Robert just sighed. “I'm here to say thanks,” Aaron grumbled. “The police said… your statement let me off the hook, and you didn’t have to do that.”

“I did,” Robert said. “I don’t… believe you did it. Am I wrong?”

“You’re asking if I shot you?” Aaron said, his lips tilting into a slight smile. “So you lied, you don’t know who did it?”

“I’ve got no idea,” Robert said honestly. “Long list of suspects though.”

“I’m not going to answer you,” Aaron said quietly. “Because if you really believed I was capable of killing you, you’d never have lied to the police in the first place.”

“Everyone’s capable of it,” Robert said darkly. “When pushed far enough, we both know that.”

“If I was going to kill you,” Aaron started. “I sure as hell wouldn’t be hiding in the dark in the bushes. I’d want you to know it was me, Robert.”

“Fair enough,” Robert said. “I’m sorry you spent a few weeks in prison. I know that won’t have been easy for you.”

“No,” Aaron agreed. “It wasn’t.”

“I’m sorry,” Robert said. “For those things I said to you before I was shot. It was so wrong, and I was hurt.”

“That’s not an excuse,” Aaron said. “I didn’t make you do anything, Robert. You’re an adult, you made a decision to throw away your marriage and your enlarged bank balance with no input from me.”

“Aaron, I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ve got nothing else to say.”

“Then I should go,” Aaron said. “I came here to say thanks. And to ask who really did shoot you, who I need to blame for being sent back to… _there_. But you clearly don’t know.”

“Oh, I’ll find out,” Robert said. “Whoever it is isn’t going to get away with it. But I know it wasn’t you.” Aaron turned to leave and was at the door when Robert called him back.

“Aaron?” The younger man looked at him. “Would there ever be any hope for us?”

“No,” Aaron said firmly. “You’re to busy living a lie and screwing blondes to want me.”

“What?” Robert asked confused. Then he remembered that night that Aaron had seen him basically drowning his sorrows after the affair came out. “Oh, that.”

“Yeah, that,” Aaron said darkly. “I’m not hiding any more. Not for anyone. So no, there is no hope. And there's no us either.” Aaron walked out, leaving Robert feeling much worse than before Aaron had walked in.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, jumping ahead in time to after Aaron tells Robert of the abuse. I have not gone over those scenes in the show or re edited them (frankly I'll never do them justice anyway) so I hope this makes sense, where it slots into their story. As I've not changed anything to do with Robert's shooting for me it didn't feel necessary to include it. 
> 
> Also, this story is now coming to an end. Not sure how many chapters are left, but I hope you enjoy them! x

Robert couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think about anything but Aaron, the things Aaron had told him going round and round in his mind on an endless torturous loop. His father had raped him, repeatedly. And Aaron had never told anyone, never actually said what he’d been through. God knows, Robert rarely saw eye to eye with his own father, but to suffer like Aaron had at the hands of someone who should have always protected him... Robert felt sick.

Robert was remembering, feeling awful. He’d actually pinned Aaron down several times when they’d had sex. He’d thought Aaron was enjoying it, really into it at the time. But now, what he knew was colouring Robert’s memory of it, the way Robert pinned his wrists above Aaron‘s head. All that time… was he just going through the motions? Letting Robert do what he wanted to because he felt like he couldn’t say no. God, what a monster he was. How could he have done that to the man he loved? He needed to talk to Aaron, when he was calmer, when the revelations weren’t as fresh. He desperately needed to know if he’d ever used Aaron when he’d been unwilling. Though if the answer was yes, he had no idea how he’d ever get past that. But he had to know, one way or the other. _He did keep coming back to you_ , a quiet voice said in his head. _Surely he wouldn’t if he’d ever felt…_

“You’re never going to know,” Robert said aloud. “Not until you talk to him.” Shaking, he made himself a coffee, needing to do something to keep his hands occupied.

“You didn’t come home last night,” Jack said, his voice sounding more worried than anything else as he came into the kitchen.

“I’m a grown man,” Robert countered, not wanting to go into detail about it.

“Were you with Aaron?”

Jack wasn’t accusing, his voice didn’t carry the disgust as usual, which is why Robert felt like he couldn’t outright lie. “I slept on the floor. Not,” he added strongly. “That I owe you an explanation.”

“I may have reacted… badly,” Jack said. “When…”

“When you found out I’d been sleeping with a man,” Robert said bluntly, making Jack flinch. Briefly, but Robert saw it. How after all these months did he still hold that power over him? Making him feel ashamed over something he really shouldn’t feel ashamed over.

“I’m done,” Robert said quietly. “I am not going to apologise for the way I feel for him. I don’t particularly care if you ever understand, or accept me, it doesn’t matter any more. I’m in love with him, and I no longer care who knows it. I’m not embarrassed, he’s twice the man I’ll ever be.”

“Son,” Jack said quietly. “I love you, even if I don’t always act like it.” Trust fate to have his father say that, just when he’d discovered the truth about Aaron’s father. It put things into perspective somewhat. How petty were his squabbles with Andy and Jack now?

“I’m not going to be able to let Aaron go,” Robert warned. “I can’t.”

“Okay,” Jack said, with surprising easiness. “I’m not going to say I understand, because I don’t, but… I’m not…” he sighed, giving up the end of that sentence.

“I have things to do,” Robert said coldly. He knew this wasn’t over with his father, but it did feel like very slow progress. At least Jack hadn’t simply walked out when he heard something he didn’t like. And he wouldn’t like Robert admitting how he felt about Aaron. But right now, Robert had bigger problems.

* * *

 

About a week later was the first time Robert managed to find time to be with Aaron alone, up at the scrap yard when Adam was on a run. He’d been texting him and trying to talk to him, but he’d been unable to really get into it.

“What do you want?” Aaron asked darkly.

“I need to talk to you.”

“I told my mum,” Aaron said.

“About…? How’d she take it?” Robert asked in surprise. He thought Aaron might need more persuasion before confiding in Chas. He’d wanted Aaron to talk to her, but didn’t think he would. Not before breaking down further.

“She can’t stop crying,” Aaron said bitterly. “I knew telling her was a mistake.”

“Then why did you?” Robert asked, not agreeing or disagreeing.

“I couldn’t carry that secret around any more,” Aaron said, sitting on the bonnet of the car looking completely defeated. “I feel so worthless when I think about it, and I think about it all the time, it’s… eating me up inside.”

“I know,” Robert said. 

“I want to tear my own skin off all the time,” Aaron said.

“Well, don’t,” Robert said forcefully, knowing that that meant self harm when it came to Aaron. He didn’t want that, not ever. “Is that what these are?” Aaron wore a T shirt, but Robert didn’t need to see the scars. He traced the exact pattern of them above the cotton, without touching him.

“I can’t cope when I think about it too much,” Aaron admitted. “It hurts.” His voice was so small, Robert ached for him. Under normal circumstances, Robert would simply pull him into his arms to hold him, try to make it all better. But this wasn’t normal circumstances.

“Aaron, can I…?” He didn’t reply. Robert didn’t think about it too much and would have stopped the instant Aaron stiffened, but he didn’t. Robert pulled Aaron into his arms, keeping him in a hug. Aaron relaxed against his body, breathing in deeply.

“It was awful,” Aaron said. “It was…”

“You don’t have to go through it again,” Robert said quietly, speaking into his neck. “It’s okay.”

“How can you say that, it’ll never be okay,” Aaron said, pulling back from him. “Everyone will think of me as dirty and…” Aaron couldn’t go on.

“No one thinks that,” Robert said.

“Really?” Aaron said. “Cause… you’ll still want me after all this?” Robert hesitated and that was enough for Aaron to scoff and pull away.

“Hey, don’t storm off,” Robert said. “God, I want you. But not in the middle of this, you’ll only end up regretting it. And if I ever touched you, to know you didn’t want it… Aaron, I can’t do that. Do you understand?”

“I guess,” Aaron said reluctantly.

“Speaking of, I’ve wanted to ask you something but I’m too scared to know the truth.”

“Oh? I’m not lying!” Aaron added firmly as Robert didn’t seem forthcoming.

“No,” Robert said. “I would never say you’re lying about this, of course not. It‘s something else.” Robert took another deep breath. “When we were… you know, our affair. I used to hold you down, I… I’m feeling sick with myself, the way I used to pin you underneath me. I…”

“Robert, everything with you, I wanted,” Aaron said urgently, eyes going wide when he realised what Robert was saying. “Don’t think that, I…” Aaron struggled to find the right words. “Did I ever say no to you?” Aaron kept going.

”I know you didn’t, but..” Robert clearly wasn’t happy.

“Trust you to make it all about you,” Aaron teased, smiling slightly. Robert didn’t join in. “Robert, I’m stronger than you. I could push you away if I didn’t want you.”

“You’re not stronger than me,” Robert countered, but now he was smiling, making Aaron relax slightly. Aaron wanted to change the subject onto anything but him and his father.

“How’s it going living with Jack?”

“Oh God,” Robert said, shaking his head which made Aaron laugh. “I’m never going to see eye to eye with him.”

“What, over me?” Aaron asked.

“I don’t like him thinking that… that I…”

“That you enjoy sleeping with men, I think is the phrase you’re after,” Aaron said coldly.

“I hate that he thinks it’s something to be… ashamed of,” Robert said quietly.

"Why do you care what he thinks?” Aaron said with a scowl.

“He’s my dad, of course I care.”

“Robert,” Aaron said, speaking very softly. “If he can’t accept you, it’s his problem, not yours.”

“But…” Robert tailed off, not knowing what to say. “I’m not gay,” Robert said firmly.

“You told me you’re still in love with me last week,” Aaron said. “You have to be lying on one of those statements, Robert.”

“No,” Robert said. “I do love you. I will never say I’m gay, because I’m not. I’m bisexual, and that’s just going to have to be good enough for you.”

“Okay,” Aaron said, recognising that saying it was more than Robert ever had before, knowing how difficult that was. “Why do you always need to fight with him?”

“Why does he always need to make sure I know Andy’s better than me?” Robert countered.

“God, I’m glad I never had a brother,” Aaron said, shaking his head which made Robert smile.

“Do you want lunch?” Robert said changing the subject.

“Got a full tank of petrol in that car of yours?” Aaron asked. “To get far away from here?”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “Let’s go.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm mildly changing the order of events. In this, Aaron left for Ireland because he couldn't deal with the gossip, rather than in canon when it all came out when he came back. Doesn't really effect much else though. Thank you so much for the continued comments! Means so much to me!! xx

  
It had all come out. What Aaron had suffered and had to go through in his childhood. Even Robert could feel the pity from the villagers and it wasn’t directed at him. He didn’t blame Aaron for going to Ireland for a few days to get away from it, no matter how much he longed to have Aaron back with him. Robert stood outside the pub one evening, feeling at a loose end. Sitting drinking a pint didn’t seem so appealing when there wasn’t good company to go with it. He didn’t want to go home, Aaron wasn’t picking up his phone which left him… here. With a perfect view to see a car park on the other side of the street and Gordon get out of it. How dare he show his face here? Clearly he didn’t know any better, because if the Dingle’s had their way, they’d be scraping bits of Gordon Livesy off the ceiling come the dawn.  
Before Robert could even move, a man stood in front of him, stopping him from going into the pub. “You’re not welcome here.” Robert was surprised, because that was Jack’s voice, stern and sure.

“Of course I am,” Gordon said confidently. “Free country.”

“No, you are not going in that pub. Leave the village,” Jack said.

“This isn’t the middle ages,” Gordon said with a laugh in his voice. “You can’t run me out of town because you don’t like me.”

“How about because you’re a paedophile?” Jack said. “Can I run you out of town then?”

“Aaron doesn’t know what he’s saying, he’s confused,” Gordon said, the old line wearing thin to Robert’s ears. He’d had enough of eavesdropping, so he joined his father, both men clearly aware of him due to the crunching of the gravel.

“I think you best leave,” Robert chipped in, standing next to Jack, for once in their lives, united.

“Aaron’s…”

“People don’t lie about this,” Robert said firmly, cutting Gordon off. “Why would he lie? And even if people did lie about abuse, Aaron wouldn’t. He’s a good person.”

“He’s got you wrapped right around his finger, hasn’t he?” Gordon said unhappily. “I want to talk to my son.”

“He isn’t here,” Robert said. “He’s as far away from you as he could get on such short notice.”

“Where is he?” Gordon asked, sensing the truth in Robert’s words.

“I don’t know,” Robert said. “He didn’t tell me. I had to beg Chas to even let me know what country he was in.”

“Leave,” Jack said.

“Why d’you all believe him?” Gordon said. “He’s a self harming thug. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d lied to the police! He's confused.”

"No," Robert said. "He's scared and hurt, but not confused."

"Oh, come on..." Gordon started.

“Dad, get rid of him,” Robert said quietly, turning away. “I can’t.” What Robert meant was he couldn’t restrain himself from turning on Gordon and pummelling him to pieces.

“If you ever come back here, I’ll call the police,” Jack said. “There’s kids around here. No parent wants someone like you around their child. Get out.” Gordon did listen, Jack not turning around until the car had vanished.

“Are you okay?” he asked Robert.

“I can’t look at him, I want to throttle him.”

“I understand that,” Jack said. “Want a pint?” Robert looked at him and nodded, accepting the olive branch and the truce. For now.

* * *

 

**April 2016**

Finally Robert had his arms around Aaron, allowed to hold him in a way that was more than support or friendship. More intimate, simply more. Robert breathed in the scent of him, closing his eyes. He smelt better than he’d remembered and Robert just held him. It’d been so long without anything between them Robert couldn’t express how much he’d missed it.  
Aaron was the first to pull away out of their embrace and Robert felt almost unsure of himself. He wasn’t sure how to act, or what to do, at the same time realising that no personal interaction had mattered to him more than right now.

“Do you want to stay?” Aaron asked and Robert could see the nervousness in him.

“I’d love to,” Robert said honestly. “But I really, really shouldn’t.”

“No, not for…” Aaron tailed off uncomfortably. “I don’t want to be alone right now. Before the verdict, I can’t. I’d love for you to just hold me tonight. That’s all. If you want, I mean.” Robert could hardly say no after that, but he didn’t want to anyway. He knew it was far too soon for them to become intimate again, especially as Gordon’s trial wasn’t even over, but to hold Aaron, to be finally allowed to do that, Robert wouldn’t ever say no. He nodded in the direction of upstairs and saw Aaron’s face fill with relief.

“Come on.”

* * *

 

The next evening they were both outside the pub, Aaron still seeming tense, more than Robert expected after a guilty verdict. “What is it? This was the result we wanted,” Robert said, very aware that their shoulders were touching, feeling the warmth coming from Aaron in contrast to the cold Spring air.

“I know,” Aaron said. “But it’s not… him being in prison doesn’t make it all better. I can still remember it all, it’s not turned it off.”

“I know,” Robert said darkly. “Nothing will.”

“Are you trying to cheer me up?” Aaron asked bluntly.

“If you let it ruin your life, then he wins,” Robert said, ignoring that. “You can’t do that, we both know you’re too strong to do that.”

“Mm,” Aaron said, though he didn’t seem convinced. Robert wrapped an arm around him, his heart pounding as Aaron almost nestled his head into Robert’s shoulder. It was comforting for them both.

“You’re staying here tonight, right?” Aaron said, suddenly worried that he might lose his biggest support.

“Well, yeah,” Robert said with his usual smirk. “I was planning on it.”

“Good.” Robert could see Jack and Diane leaving the pub, Diane clearly having seen them from the smile on her face. Jack didn’t say anything, just looked at them then walked on. For Robert, saying nothing was vastly preferable to saying something horrible.

“All right?” Aaron asked, having seen Jack.

“Fine,” Robert said, pulling Aaron even closer and dipping his head to kiss Aaron’s hair gently.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moving to the present day now, just a small chapter to tie it all off. Thank you so much for your encouragement, so happy you enjoyed this!!

Robert sat in a private booth in the pub, keeping to himself when his phone rang. Smiling, he answered it, knowing it would be Aaron. “Hey,” he said softly.

“Oh, must be bad,” Aaron said, hearing his tone.

“No, it’s not bad,” Robert said. “I’m just… tired. And you’re not here to make it all better, so….”

“Oh? Could I help?” Aaron teased.

“How’s it going?” Robert asked, not rising to the bait. Well, not in public at any rate.

“Oh,” Aaron said. “You’re where people can hear you.”

“Sadly, yes,” Robert said, hearing Aaron’s beautiful chuckle. “Shall I call you later?” he asked, seeing Liv come into the pub, staring at him.

“Mm,” Aaron said. “I miss you.” The words were heavy with meaning and Robert smiled.

“Miss you too.” Robert hung up, as Liv sat opposite him.

“How’s Aaron?”

“He’s fine,” Robert said. “Are you okay?”

“Mm,” she said in almost exactly the same tone as Aaron.

“It’s okay to miss him,” Robert said.

“How soft are you? He’s been gone four days,” she replied, scowling at him.

“I know,” Robert said. “But it is okay to miss him.”

“Do you miss him?” she asked. Robert could tell he’d caught her in a rare mood, one where she was reasonable and… well, not a teenager.

“Yes, I do,” Robert said honestly. “Life’s not the same when he’s not here.”

“What, when you’re stuck with me?”

“I didn’t say that,” Robert countered. “But you don’t make things easy, do you?”

“Where’s the fun in that?” she said with a shrug. Robert just smiled at her as she moved through to the back room. Within a minute her seat had been replaced by Jack.

“Er, hi,” Robert said blankly. They’d hardly been on speaking terms lately. In fact, since Robert had moved into the pub, he’d barely seen his father.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Jack said.

“About what?” Robert asked, taking a deep drink from his pint.

“Aaron.”

“Dad, don’t,” Robert said. “I am happy, I don’t need you having a go.”

“I’m not,” Jack said, holding his hands up. “I wanted to say… why him?” Jack asked. It was only the sincere curiosity in his voice which made Robert answer.

“He sees me,” Robert said quietly. “He sees all the bad things I’ve done, all my flaws and he loves me anyway. He knows I’ll never change, not completely and he accepts it. No one has ever accepted me exactly the way I am before.” And yes, Robert was including his father in that.

“But Liv,” Jack said quietly. “You’re putting up with her. Why?”

“I love Aaron,” Robert said simply. “She comes as part of the deal.”

“Robert?”

“What?” he asked, not exactly happy discussing his feelings for Aaron, especially when his father hadn’t been supportive of him in the not too distant past.

“I’m proud of you,” Jack said quietly. Robert, so used to being belittled by him just shook his head, not believing him. “I am,” Jack reiterated.

“Even though I’m living with a man?” Robert questioned darkly.

“You’ve stopped scheming and plotting,” Jack said.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Robert interrupted.

“You’re more… yourself,” Jack said. “It’s good to see.” Robert could feel the emotion in his throat and he didn’t want to cry. He was grateful that Jack clapped him on the shoulder and left. After a moment, he called Aaron.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“I needed to hear your voice,” Robert said. “Tell me about your day.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Robert…” Aaron almost growled.

“Seriously, nothing,” Robert repeated. “Just… dad. I’ll tell you when you get home. Talk. Please,” he added.

“You sure you’re all right?” Aaron asked. Sometimes it was inconvenient how well Aaron could read him.

“Yes,” Robert said. “Very. How’s it going?” Robert let the tone of Aaron’s voice wash over him, feeling it relax him. He moved behind the bar, Chas looking at him. “Aaron?” she mouthed, making Robert nod.

“Your mum says hi,” Robert said briefly before going to the back room and sitting on the sofa, enjoying his boyfriends voice. He couldn’t imagine his life without Aaron and never wanted to try. It’s why he’d buried the man he used to be, because he now had far too much to lose.


End file.
